brendonesq

Create your own caption

2009-01-08T09:05:00.000-08:00

Took this photo the other night while walking to the train to go home. Got a laugh, thought I would share.

Feel free to make up your own joke. I came up with four.

The hunt...begins...

2008-12-28T17:12:00.000-08:00

The Wife and I took the next step towards home ownership this weekend, meeting with a mortgage person at our bank, and discussing loans. We have been pre-approved, and are especially pleased with the interest rates right now.

So now, the hunt really begins. We have been told that "inventory" shrinks up in December, and that we can expect to see more on the market in Jan-Feb. Additionally, given what we are seeing on the news, it does not appear that things are going to get better in the immediate future, so I think we have some time to do a thorough search and make sure we're getting what we want.

Today, we went neighborhood shopping. We've lived here for almost a decade, but I will admit there are still entire portions of the City we're unfamiliar with. Today's exploration: Bernal Heights. We liked what we saw, and found a place that had tasty fish tacos to boot. Bernal...you made a good first impression on us.

More as it happens.

Heading home

2008-12-23T07:18:00.001-08:00

Took this photo on the way home yesterday evening. It would be a better picture if I had a real camera, instead of the five pixel deguerrotype on my iPhone (and that's an insult to deguerrotypes).

Hope everyone has a happy holiday season, and come back soon for my annual wrap up and Esqy awards!

The Ivory Anniversary

2008-12-18T14:20:00.000-08:00

Fourteen years...The Wife has managed to put up with me for over five thousand days as a married couple. Wow. I am truly a lucky man to have found someone willing to do that for so long, so since the traditional anniversary gift is banned by international trade agreements, I thought instead I would share some "then and now" photo fun at my own expense. First up, the big day itself back in 1994:

The fact that she said "I do" to that guy...I still shake my head in wonder to this day. The glasses alone should have scared her off.

Fast forward to four years ago, when we renewed our vows on our tenth anniversary, floating down the "canal" in the Venetian in Las Vegas:

Glasses got smaller, lost some hair on top, gained some on the face. I am both pleased and embarrassed that I managed to lose weight over time. She's still in the same dress...again, maybe someone is bribing her behind the scenes, but I am one lucky dude.

Now, here we are, four years beyond that, and life goes on. I look at that first picture, and I wonder if those kids could even have imagined where they would be in fourteen years. Across the continent, some more initials behind both of their names, the Reverend who married them a new member of the Kentucky State House of Representatives. Again, wow.

We've come a long way, and the fun is just beginning. Hope to see everybody on the Moon in 2014!

The Little Protest That Could

2008-12-17T11:59:00.000-08:00

Took this photo out my office window. I heard some chanting ("What do
we want? Equal rights. When do want them? Now!"), and walked over to
see the protest du jour:

Really? That's it? I'm impressed I heard them, given their small numbers, but come on...this is San Francisco, for Godess's sake! I've seen bigger protests stop for Starbucks...and then start protesting that Starbucks!

What do I want? Bigger protests. When do I want it? Eh...whenever's okay for you.

Dear brendonesq,

2008-12-14T12:12:00.000-08:00

Am I self-centered, and a bit of a dick?
Signed, Clueless in Daly City

Dear Clueless,

Here's a two-part test to help answer your question:
Question One: Did you buy a tiny, tiny car?

Question Two: Did you still manage to take up more than one parking space?

Did you answer "Yes" to both? Well, then you're definitely clueless, and you're probably a bit of a dick. Self-centered? I'd need a bit more information, but my money's on "yes."

Glad I could help.

Who knew...

2008-12-06T21:26:00.001-08:00

...my foot was so comfortable?

So serious, it's hilarious

2008-12-05T15:06:00.000-08:00

Wow.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Sign the petition here.

My familiars are too familiar

2008-12-05T14:17:00.000-08:00

Went through the normal morning routine, including feeding the cats, then preparing some breakfast to feed myself. Took my cereal out to the living room to watch the "news" (Colbert Report on TiVo), and both of the cats are sitting on the couch waiting for me.

What is disturbing about this is that they are sitting exactly spaced so I can sit down without moving them, but so that both are leaning on either side of me once I am settled. It's as if my couch has an aural ass groove after all of these years, and the cats are perfectly attuned to it.

I need to break up the routine. Based on how far apart the cats were sitting, I need to start running again, too.

Flash Gordon, the home game!

2008-11-16T11:28:00.000-08:00

Our tiny donkey is apparently a stranger in this temple, and therefore must try the Wood Beast.

Five points to Griffandor if you get my uber-nerdy reference. If you don't get my reference, well, you probably lead a full, rich life.

Damn you.

Legs...the great equalizer

2008-11-14T17:55:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those rare, warm San Francisco days: low 80s downtown and not a cloud in the sky. Beautiful.

Days like this, people here tend to get a little excited, and we get to see something that is a rare sight for this area of California: skin. When the sun comes out, so do the rarely-worn shorts, the wrinkled sleeveless blouses, the back-of-the-closet flip flops. Nice.

So I'm walking to the train, and I can't help but realize that I am walking behind a pair of young ladies, wearing shorts that to my old-man eyes look more like underwear, or at best John Stockton's old uniform. Notice I am not saying I didn't approve or didn't appreciate, just that it made me feel old.

Anyway, I do a quick look-around to make sure I am not caught ogling these lovely ladies, when I realize I am safe.

Why? Because I am probably fourth in line of a group of men also trying to pretend they are not ogling these lovely ladies.

Now, here's my favorite part: we all, to a man, smile. In that tiny slice of time, we share the same private language shared by all men, regardless of race, age, creed, sexuality or socioeconomic background: it was okay. We all saw each other, we all _caught_ each other, and even though there is little chance that I would have a conversation or lunch with any of the other guys, for that one suspended moment we were in on the same secret, the same vicarious joy that comes from seeing a nice pair of legs and knowing that others are appreciating them as well. It's moments like that one that give me hope for humanity, and make me understand Hemingway a little better. Like I said, nice.

By the way, the forecast for the weekend is supposed to be more of the same. I'm smiling while I type this.

Clemenza would be proud

2008-11-11T18:23:00.000-08:00

Good day off; it's days like this when I am reminded how nice it is to work for the government.

Got to sleep in a little, take myself out for a walk (no leash...I'm pretty good at staying on the sidewalks), and made a big pot of my homemade pasta sauce. The house smells fantastic right now.

Getting ready for two reveals tonight; going to watch the telecast of the final table of the World Series, and waiting on word about our friends and their first child. Both are quite exciting.

Back to work tomorrow, but a nice oasis in the middle of the week.

A place called Hope

2008-11-02T16:26:00.000-08:00

Taken today in central Kentucky. Nice to see.

He loves to fly...

2008-10-31T21:35:00.000-07:00

Look at how happy I am!

It's not first class, but United's Economy Plus, if it lets a big guy like me cross his legs, is pretty sweet.

C'mon ride the train

2008-10-29T22:18:00.001-07:00

I like that Thomas is off the tracks...hopefully a prescient metaphor.

Umm...hi...

2008-10-29T21:54:00.000-07:00

Walking home tonight, I turned a corner and ran into a young man who looked familiar. Couldn't quite place him, but he didn't have that problem.

"Hey! Yellow curry! How you doing tonight!"

Oh yeah. Our regular Thai delivery guy.

I guess we should order something else from time to time.

Shiny new toys

2008-10-27T17:49:00.001-07:00

I had a great day at work; first day that I really felt like I accomplished something. Nice.

Walking to MUNI, whistling away, when the sun glints off something lying just ahead in my path.

A shell casing. A spent shell casing. Shiny and new, just sitting on the sidewalk, hanging out and enjoying retirement.

I had a great day at work. Had.

Quick turnaround

2008-10-19T15:50:00.000-07:00

If you look at the post below, you will see that I have not posted in about a month; yes, it has been THAT hectic. There have been several large events in the past few weeks, some of which I will potentially blog about soon. But without question, the largest professional event has been my resignation from the Alameda County Public Defender's Office (last day: two days ago on Friday) and my acceptance of a new position with the San Francisco City Attorney's Office (first day: tomorrow!). Truly amazing; I interned with this office when I was in law school, and have always been excited about the idea of going back as an attorney. After many years, it is finally happening, and the quickness of the process, coupled with me not taking any time off between gigs, makes this all seem very surreal. I will probably ask the HR rep to pinch me tomorrow during my orientation. Which is probably not the best first impression to make.

The last week at my previous job (even typing that seems weird!) was really wonderful, if jam-packed and moving at light speed. I had going-away luncheons at both the office and court, and was on the receiving end of some really thoughtful words and gifts. I am a truly lucky person to be leaving a job I loved to move on to a position I have been excited about and wanted to try for quite some time.

The biggest immediate change will be my commute; when I was going across the Bay, I had to take two trains, then pick up a car to get my files at the office and then drive to court. Total time one way: about an hour and a half...if traffic was on my side. Now, I will be taking one train each way, and that's it. Total time one way: about twenty minutes...and that is if traffic is slow. Nice. I am hopeful that my thirteen hour days away from home will become a thing of the past, and maybe I will finally have some time to ask this woman who apparently lives with me out on a date or something. She seems pretty cool, and she doesn't even mind the cats... :)

More updates soon, but thought I should let people know I'm still breathing. Moving fast, but breathing.

Staycation: The Wrapup

2008-09-22T08:26:00.000-07:00

I got bored reading my own posts about my Staycation, so I stopped updating about it. The short/less boring version is this:

First half of the week: did very little, got a lot of rest, relaxed mightily.

Second half of the week: a series of day trips, including Monterey for whale watching (more photos and some video coming soon), a drive up north for a poker tournament, and a day trip to San Francisco that involved fun breakfast, an amazing tour of the de Young (including the Chihuly exhibition...amazing!), and then fun dinner to top it all off.

Back at work today, and I feel genuinely relaxed. I expect that to last till this afternoon.

It's 3AM...

2008-09-17T12:03:00.000-07:00

I hope this was staged and supposed to be funny...because it is...

Staycation, Day Two

2008-09-16T22:31:00.000-07:00

Day Two brought much of the same as Day One: good long walk/jog out to the beach and back, fun lunch, and watching yet another movie that The Wife would not want to see with me. Also more poker; today, I managed to avoid taking the step that I have convinced myself would be somehow bad, even though I rationalized all day about how it could actually be a good thing: I did NOT deposit money onto an online poker site. But I really wanted to.

We'll see if I am able to avoid the temptation as the week progresses.

Staycation, Day One

2008-09-15T22:39:00.000-07:00

I am taking this week off, not because I am going anywhere, not because I have some grandiose plans, but purely because (a) I have the vacation time and want to use it, and (b) I really needed a break. Hence, the staycation.

Day One was a good one, and pretty much filled with exactly what I am looking for in slow-paced entertainment. I went to the grocery store on a weekday (a rare treat), walk/jogged a couple miles (an even rarer event, if not exactly a treat), and ate a fun sandwich while I watched a terrible movie that I knew The Wife would never watch with me. Good times.

I also played plenty of online poker (I'm in a freeroll tournament as I type this), and other than some chores around the house, the big work today was what you are looking at right now: the new look for the blog. I think it is a little more streamlined, and I like the bigger font and larger text areas; seems easier to read. Let me know what you think.

Seriously?

2008-09-14T14:39:00.000-07:00

I used to play the game Risk for hours and hours, both with friends and family.

While playing, I have invaded Kamchatka through Alaska, and Alaska through Kamchatka, probably hundreds of times.

Therefore, I guess I also have foreign policy experience?

Please tell me that even conservative Republicans are insulted by this completely inane line of "reasoning."

Please?

Nothing lost in translation

2008-09-10T07:38:00.000-07:00

I was at lunch yesterday, and after reading the beverage list, I imagined the following, circa 1948:

To: Marketing team
From: Management

While we applaud your "truth in advertising" approach, we think it is time to consider naming the final item on our Beverage list something a little more appealing to consumers. We suggest something that reflects the outdoors, as well as something that will keep drinkers from focusing on the awful, awful flavor. See if "Mountain Dew" is available.

And thus, a legend was born...

It's time...to face...just how bored I am...

2008-09-07T20:16:00.000-07:00

As I type this, I am sitting on my couch in front of the television. On said television is a "show" called Hole In The Wall. Yes, that's actually the title of the show. I realize a title like that lends itself to any number of genres, but it is actually a game show about, well, a hole in the wall, and you apparently earn points by...you guessed it...fitting through the hole in the wall.

Wow. If you don't believe me, here's a clip from the Japanese version. Don't worry if you don't speak Japanese; I think very little is lost in the translation:

Didn't The Simpsons predict we would hit this level of cultural embarassment a few years ago?

I am ashamed to admit that I have not changed the channel, and even more ashamed to admit I want to see what these people actually win if they, you know, fit through the hole in the wall. I'll let you know.

McCain's VP pick

2008-08-29T18:03:00.000-07:00

I may get sued by Parker Bros., but I have a feeling I won't be the last person to make this joke.

In response to a Republican friend's email, extolling the virtues of Sarah Palin, I couldn't resist using Google Image Search along with MS Paint to slap this together:

I have to believe we have heard the last of McCain's attacks on Obama as being "inexperienced."

Best. Graffiti. Ever

2008-08-23T14:18:00.001-07:00

Indeed.

BTW, Cher covered this song in her Vegas show, which we saw at Caesars a couple weeks ago. I thought it was an odd choice among several other odd choices, including "Walking in Memphis." For the "Battlefield" song, they brought out this very elaborate set piece ala Beyond Thunderdome, and her nubile dancers had a "dance off," fighting for Cher's attention and affection. Then they all changed costumes and the set was never seen again. Odd. Reminded me of the bondage dance scene in Showgirls, and that is probably not exactly the sort of association Cher wants us to make.

Going home

2008-08-11T14:47:00.000-07:00

Well, the weekend is over, and leaving Las Vegas means coming back to reality. I didn't win ANY money, but my losses were kept to minimum. At the airport, even THIS guy wasn't winning. Sadly, made me feel better.

More importantly, I had a wonderful weekend with my wife and our friends, got to see my brother, ate amazing food, saw an idol in concert, and met Jesus.

Not a bad weekend.

Walk of shame

2008-08-11T12:25:00.000-07:00

The view from the MGM as I head back after yet another loss in a poker tournament.

Good picture, bad streak.

Unreal

2008-08-11T09:06:00.000-07:00

Going into this morning, I haven't won a DIME in Vegas. Time to put my coworker's dollar into a slot machine.

Take a wild guess what happened. Three spins, three wins, and ten bucks leaves Vegas...with me...for someone else.

Sigh.

Me & Jesus

2008-08-10T22:35:00.000-07:00

Seeing Cher: pretty amazing.

Meeting Chris "Jesus" Ferguson after the show? Completely frak-tastic!

This is one of the shots; on the left of the shot, you can see The Wife snapping more photos on her iPhone. Quite the paparazzi moment.

Chris could not have been more gracious, and this chance meeting made a great trip even better.

Frowned-upon Cher photo

2008-08-10T20:05:00.000-07:00

Had tix to see Cher at Caesars. Watching a more-than-half naked 62 year-old woman belt out 40+ years worth of songs? Impressive AND entertaining!

This shot was taken during the opening. Although it appears that Cher is on fire, I am happy to report that is merely the lighting. No Divas were harmed in the taking of this photo.

Quote of the year

2008-08-10T13:07:00.001-07:00

"First you take my chips, then you take my life."

- Curtis, after the "tropical" gazpacho incident.

Maybe you had to be there.

Step two

2008-08-10T11:47:00.001-07:00

Try something different.

Step one

2008-08-10T11:46:00.000-07:00

Play the morning tournament.

Goldilocks says...

2008-08-10T07:08:00.001-07:00

...this bed is TOO soft!

Proof!

2008-08-09T21:23:00.000-07:00

My brother happens to be in Vegas this weekend as well. This is him and Herself at Buzio's, in the Rio.

I promised my Mom he would eat...

Our room

2008-08-09T18:21:00.000-07:00

Our oasis from the stink, which only serves to remind us how much WE stink. I love Vegas so much that apparently I always block out my memory of how much cigarette smoke there is, and how you WILL smell like an ashtray about 15 minutes after you land.

Nice room, though.

Peter wins! Almost.

2008-08-09T14:14:00.000-07:00

After a highly controversial play that will likely have repercussions for the remainder of the trip, Peter fought back from the brink to take second place. Yours truly saw very few playable cards, but went out on a respectable straight flush draw that didn't pan out. Blurgh.

First tournament...the Luxor

2008-08-09T11:36:00.000-07:00

Just bought in to my first poker tournament of the trip; this one goes fast, so lots of all-in action expected. Wish me luck.

The adventure begins!

2008-08-09T07:52:00.000-07:00

We are at the airport, ready to go to Las Vegas! Peter brought a chip from last time, so we can hit the ground running.

I'll live post for the rest of the trip; check back often to watch the shenanigans unfold.

The line...four weeks later...

2008-08-03T13:17:00.000-07:00

We're at the mall (blurgh), and I'm in awe that there is STILL a
line. I wonder if Apple is shooting themselves in the foot, rationing
out the iPhones like this?

Will check the stock price on Monday and see.

Things the Coinstar machine decided not to count

2008-08-02T13:46:00.001-07:00

Coinstar rejected the following items; the machine and I were both surprised to find these things in my coin jar:

A Hello Kitty keychain fob, a paperclip, a five peseta piece from Spain, a Darth Vader collectible coin from 7-11, and a button.

Just so you know, I've never been to Spain, I am not a thirteen year old girl, and I have no idea when I was last in a 7-11. The mysteries of the coin jar continue to elude me.

If Christ leaves Bethlehem traveling 60 MPH...

2008-07-30T07:17:00.001-07:00

Standing here on the train, getting a little creeped out. When people read their Bible, that's one thing. When they highlight and underline as they read? Yikes.

What are you studying for? Is the Rapture your (very) final exam?

The WildMan Cometh

2008-07-20T16:21:00.000-07:00

I am very excited to see that Thomas "WildMan" Denny will be fighting on national television this coming Saturday in the Elite XC "Saturday Night Fights" on CBS. Now, if you are a regular reader of this blog, or if you know me at all, you may be saying to yourself, I had no idea Brendon was a fan of mixed martial arts fighting? You would be correct; I am not a fan of the sport. But I am a big fan of the WildMan. He is the star of one of my favorite poker stories. Here it is.

A couple years ago, I was playing a poker tournament at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas. We had been playing long enough that the opening jitters were gone, we had lost a table or two, and we were at that stage where people were starting to relax and talk a little more. I had a decent chip stack, so I was more than happy to loosen up and chat. However, there are two consistent questions at Vegas poker tables that I am not a big fan of answering, mostly because of the perception that comes along with both.

Question number one, where are you from? And question number two, what do you do for a living?

When I tell people I am a lawyer, you can imagine the grief that usually comes along with that. When I tell people I live in San Francisco, you can equally imagine the grief that comes with that. Put the two together, and it's a non-stop laugh riot.

So the questions were working their way clockwise around the table, and were fast approaching. Do I lie, and take a chance? Hell, I've been bluffing all morning...what's a couple more? Or do I tell the truth, and let the fun begin?

The guy to my right had been keeping the hood of his sweatshirt up most of the morning, giving him a vaguely Phil Laak-type table presence. He was playing pretty well, mixing up his play and getting aggressive when he needed to. The "what do you do for a living" question got to him, and I'm thinking I need to decide whether to lie or not, when this guy pulled down his hood, revealing a neon green mohawk, along with crazy sideburns shaved to make him look like the devil. He looked around the table, and very calmly said,

"I'm Tom...and I'm an Ultimate Fighter."

The questions never got to me.

For the rest of the morning, every guy at the table sat in child-like wonder as "the WildMan" talked about what it's like being an Ultimate Fighter (not much money until you get a real name for yourself), what his training regimen was like (brutal and regular), whether he would beat up people in real life (no money = no punchy), and so on. He was a real gentleman, patiently answering question after question, and I think he even signed an autograph or two. My favorite moment was when he and I got involved in a big pot; I ended up taking it down after some semi-bluffing that let me catch up on the river, and he acknowledged the bluff. My response was simple: "This felt is the ONLY arena where I have a prayer against you!" He seemed to get a kick out of that.

I had a great time chatting with the WildMan, and I am very excited about his getting national, network television exposure. Good luck on Saturday, Tom, and best of luck in the future as well.

Jimmy Dean...James Dean...

2008-07-19T15:18:00.000-07:00

Inspired perhaps by Jen's love of the 80's song, I recently finished the book Rock On, by Dan Kennedy. The book is supposed to be a mostly non-fiction recreation of Dan's work for Atlantic Records in the 90s, and how he sort of slacks through a year and a half making a salary most of us would dream about to work in the music industry, and yet be as far away from the creativity of music as possible. Dan worked in marketing, which explains the lameass description on the cover as this book being like The Office meets This is Spinal Tap. It is difficult to express in words how tired I am of that description of anything. I guess it's like Cliche meets Lazy Writing.

Which, if I am honest, is cliche and lazy writing on my part as well. Damn you, irony.

I love San Francisco

2008-07-19T15:15:00.000-07:00

...and its myriad of fascinating, multi-culti advertising...

Limang just happens to be one of my favorite flavors.

Her britches

2008-07-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

As you can see by comparison, the wee one is getting less wee by the day...

Success!

2008-07-11T21:09:00.000-07:00

[This is us, when we finally arrived at the front of the line, waiting for the next available Apple store employee to sell us our fun new gadgets. This should also be the last photo I take with my old cellphone!]

After an embarrassingly long wait this afternoon, I am finally home, sitting on my couch, and blogging on my new 3G iPhone! How cool is this? I haven't quite figured everything (read: most things) out, but I have a sense I'll get better as the weekend goes on. For now, I'm typing with one finger and having a blast.

More soon...

Subconscious filthiness?

2008-06-30T08:34:00.000-07:00

Where, when and how did smokers come to believe that it is completely acceptable to drop their cigarettes on the ground?

I was walking to work this morning when a smoker, walking with two other people, took her last hit and, without even looking, just dropped the filter, stepped on it, and went on her way. She never broke stride, never stopped talking; I honestly doubt she even thought about the actions, let alone the consequences. Neither of her friends seemed to notice, either.

What the hell? If she had watched me finish a can of soda and then just casually drop it to the ground, and then step on it, would she have noticed? Would she have cared? Would anybody?

Are smokers as a group so deluded that they believe the filters are biodegradable, when in reality it takes years for cellulose acetate (a form of plastic) to degrade? Or does the fault lie with the rest of us, who have come to see this as normal and give smokers a "pass" on littering?

I have already sparked a Larry David-esque discussion (read: friendly argument) on the train with a couple commuters who think leaving their newspapers on the ground is a form of recycling, so I guess it's time to start with smokers. Curmudgeon powers, activate!

If I ever become a stripper...

2008-06-27T16:13:00.000-07:00

After my BART ride this morning, I have figured out my stripper name. I choose this name not only for the double entendre, but I also like the current-events vibe, given the heightened state of alertness in our country today:

"Suspicious Package"

Now on the main stage...

Job security

2008-06-27T09:42:00.000-07:00

For anybody new to this blog who doesn't know what I do for a living ( which also, sadly, includes large portions of my family and friends), I practice dependency law, which is a specified area of the law that deals with the issues arising from and around foster care; more specifically, dependency law deals with the issues that arise when a child is removed from the home of her parents due to abuse, neglect, or other codified reasons that represent a danger to the safety of a minor, and said danger rises to the level that requires government intervention by removal of the child from the home. Needless to say, my job stories are hilarious, and I am a big hit at parties.

What is especially sick about what I do is that my job security is basically premised on the idea that parents and guardians will continue to beat, neglect and/or fuck their children so often and to such a level that my services will continue to be needed. That can mess with your head, to say the least.

So, pushing aside all of my guilt aside for a minute, and looking at things from a purely solipsistic and monetary point of view, I am so glad that NBC is airing awful, awful garbage like The Baby Borrowers. Thank you, NBC, for showcasing terrible parenting choices in primetime. Thank you for ignoring reputable and accepted data that shows that even three days away from their parents (which, to my understanding, was the length of time it took to film the newborn sequences) can be traumatic for babies. Thank you for making parenting a "game."

Ultimately, thank you for ensuring I can continue to pay my student loans. I appreciate it.

Believe the hype

2008-06-24T21:48:00.001-07:00

Mario Kart for the Wii? With the optional "Wii Wheel"? Imagine how fun you think it is, then...double it.

Took some wrangling to get it home, but very worth it. I see us wasting many, many hours on this one. And regretting very few of them.

I guess "piss" isn't so bad anymore?

2008-06-23T09:35:00.000-07:00

Picked up the book, Comedy at the Edge: How Stand-up in the 1970s Changed America, by Richard Zoglin, at the library on Saturday; I have been looking forward to reading this for a while now, especially after I read Steve Martin's autobiography.

As of Sunday, I have a new reason to appreciate the book. I cannot now lie and say that I was a huge fan of George Carlin, but I certainly appreciate anybody who champions free speech and free thought, and to do it as long as Carlin did it? That's just impressive.

Here's the man himself, with his seven dirty words. I remember reading the US Supreme Court case in law school that dealt with Carlin's bit, and I remember seeing part of the transcript that was used in that trial. Fun...filthy, filthy fun... :)

UPDATE 6-24:

Just finished the chapter on Carlin this morning, and thought the following quote on pg. 39 summed the man up very nicely (apart from using the word "virtually" twice in the same sentence):

Carlin's longevity as a stand-up was virtually unique among comics of his era - a top touring comic for four decades with virtually no boost from Hollywood, Broadway, or a hit TV series. It was a testament to his ability to stay on the edge, even as the hair and beard went gray. He evolved from white-bread media parodist to counterculture provocateur to curmudgeonly uncle to apocalyptic pessimist; but what remained constant was his eye for the world's inequities and absurdities, and the caustic eloquence with which he called them to our attention.

A nice send off.

When kittens try to check their email

2008-06-03T20:01:00.001-07:00

Poor thing. Nobody ever taught her the home row. And then there's the whole "not having thumbs" thing.

More likely, she fell asleep on the keyboard. But the idea of her trying to check her email? That's just a lot of fun.

High standards

2008-05-26T21:49:00.001-07:00

Saw this job posting today:

You may be wondering, where would someone with such multilingual aptitude be applying? A financial institution? A law firm? The United Nations, perhaps?

Nope, just a third-rate cellphone store down the street.

I don't mean to get all Baz Luhrmann on you, youth of my neighborhood, but given that we are nearing graduation season, I feel I need to say this: if you speak three languages, you can probably do a LOT better than Freecomm.

Aim higher, class of '08.

Honestly, your better is probably better

2008-05-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

Maybe Nike commercials aren't the best place to find new music, but when it comes to finding motivating music for my morning run/walks, I takes what I can gets.

Thanks, Spinner.

iKitten

2008-05-17T11:47:00.000-07:00

Apple is known for making good products that are simple and easy to use. I did not realize that they also design their products with small kittens in mind:

I had no idea our wireless router could also serve as a kitty hotplate. This seems to be her favorite place to sleep (I have a sense that will change as she grows), and since I haven't noticed a drop in my signal strength, I guess my only "concern" is that WiFi may give my cat cancer.

I have let her read all the articles, and she is not convinced. She wants to see more double-blind studies. She also urged me to change my desktop wallpaper. Both good ideas.

Up, up and away!

2008-04-29T18:18:00.000-07:00

I finished Jay Lake's Rocket Science a short while ago, and even now, I smile a little when I think about it. A solid, fast read, and a definite ode to the golden age of sci-fi, complete with Communist agents, secret Nazis, and a talking computerized rocketship that requires oil to fly back to Mars. Brilliant!

I do wish that this book had been written in a more "pulpy" style, complete with super-short chapters and the requisite cliff hangers at the end of every one. I think that would have been a nice touch, and another knowing nod to the genre. However, I still really enjoyed this book, and if you are in the mood for some 50s nostalgia mixed with atomic hijinx, I recommend this book.

The tongue bath heard around the flat...

2008-04-26T15:06:00.001-07:00

If you read a couple posts down, you will see that our new kitten (as far as a name goes, we're leaning towards Starbuck, since the kitten is pretty frakkin' crazy) has been with us for a week, and we have been slowly integrating her into the household. So far, both cats seem pretty okay with the other, and we've only had a couple episodes where we thought the big cat was playing "a little rough."

Today, I was on the computer, and I realized I hadn't heard them chasing each other in a while, and the eerie silence started to worry me more than the normal noise. I went out to the front room and found this:

Oh my. I backed out quietly, and hung a necktie on the front door. That was a little more kitty love than I was ready to see.

I think they're starting to get along.

Oh Yeah!

2008-04-25T21:27:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be confused for a shill for the Gatorade corporation, but if you grew up in the 70s and liked orange Kool-Aid, I highly recommend the new G2 Orange. Just like Mom used to make!

I thought I might be alone in having strong feelings for orange kool-aid, but I was wrong. I don't have quite as many issues about orange Kool-Aid as this guy, but I also had no idea that the term could be used like this. I swear I am just talking about a powdered drink, nothing else.

Introducing...um...

2008-04-20T20:53:00.000-07:00

We brought home a new kitten this weekend. She doesn't have a name yet; suggestions are welcome.

The process of adopting a kitten from San Francisco Animal Care and Control is...intense. There were several forms, a short interview, discussions about other pets in the home, and a criminal background check (I made that one up, but it seemed like the next step). And all of that was before we were allowed to touch the cat. Seriously. At one point in the interview, we were asked how many hours, on an average day, we're gone from the home. When we picked "10-12," the interviewer asked who would be watching over the kitten during those hours. I answered honestly, if admittedly like a bit of a smart ass, that this role would fall to "the other cat." The interviewer was not amused.

Overly invasive procedures aside, we're glad to have her home. They suggested we wait up to a week to introduce the two cats. We opened the door, our older cat sniffed her, licked her head, and that was about it. They've been playing all weekend, and with a minimal amount of what I call "poofy tail." If you don't have cats, trust me: that's a good thing.

Justice...is done

2008-04-04T15:53:00.000-07:00

Went to jury duty yesterday; this is the second time I have been called since I have lived in California, and the second time that I made it into the jury holding pen, sat around for a couple hours reading a book, and was eventually told that they had as many jurors as they needed for the day, and was sent home. Very anti-climactic.

To be honest, even though it would utterly wreck my current court schedule and make things very difficult on my co-workers, I would LOVE to get on a jury (doesn't say very nice things about me, I guess). The work I do currently is in a juvenile court, and because of the age of the children I represent and the nature of the cases, all hearings, including trials, are closed to the public and confidential. Translation: all of my trials are bench trials, and I have no jury trial experience. I would be very interested in seeing it in action, let alone watching the court process from the other side of the room. Maybe next time.

The most annoying part of the experience, other than the backbreaking hours I have been putting in for the past few weeks getting my cases prepped in case someone else needed to handle them, was watching the Jury Orientation video. Wow, it was soooooo bad. See if you agree by watching it here. Maybe I am a bit jaded (probably), but the phrase, "The verdict is read...justice is done," made me want to laugh out loud. I held it in.

Archaeological dig...four inches down

2008-03-31T08:44:00.000-07:00

When I walk to my office from the train, I usually walk through Old Oakland, a historic district that has gone through various renovations over the years. I have been watching the renovations of a particular corner store with considerable interest; when they took the top layer of siding off the wall, they revealed this former facade:

I can only imagine what kinds of headache powders and moustache waxes were for sale here. Pretty cool.

They took the facade off some time ago, and then stopped working. I have a sense there is a discussion going on somewhere about what to do and whether or not to preserve the writing. I hope they try.

(mostly) Wire Free!

2008-03-30T20:37:00.000-07:00

Today, we made a strong leap into the late 90s by setting up a Wi-Fi home network. Like everything else involved with Apple, it was ten times easier than I thought it would be, which means the setup process took me only twice as long as it would have taken a well-trained monkey (I'll give you a minute to do that math). Now, our TiVo can download movies, and we can play Wii Tennis with our friends without actually seeing them or going to that pesky place known as "outside." As soon as my couch can produce and moderately heat various Hot Pockets, I will never have to leave my living room, let alone my home. Thank you, technology!

WISH I was making this up...

2008-03-25T15:10:00.001-07:00

Another fun court house hallway exchange:

Guy: Hey!
Me: [ignoring shouting man]
Guy: HEY!
Me: [turning around, against better judgement] Yes?
Guy: Where's my lawyer?
Me: Sir, I don't know who you are, so how would I know who your lawyer is?
Guy: Um, I think his name is Dan.
Me: Dan who?
Guy: Um, Dan...Fielding. Yeah, Dan Fielding.
Me: [poker face] Sir, Dan Fielding was the name of a lawyer on the show Night Court.
Guy: Oh.
Me: You should probably check with the clerk, sir.

I had a pretty bad headache from not laughing...but I'm feeling much better now... :)

Et tu, Quentin?

2008-03-24T20:03:00.000-07:00

I am not sure if it is fair to blame Tarantino, but I do: I am getting really tired of reading books with six different story lines, jumping back and forth in time, with characters that may all end up in the same room at the end or, more likely, never interact, other than maybe literally brushing elbows on a crowded street in a tired attempt to symbolize loneliness in a crowded world. Blech.

Case in point: Beautiful Children, by Charles Bock. Most of the characters were interesting enough to keep me reading to the end, but there was no plot to speak of other than watching all of these people spiral into their own private Hells. Would have been an interesting or inventive storytelling device ten years ago, but now, it's been done, and done better.

In fairness, any story about abused or neglected kids is probably not going to make my Top Ten list, as abused and neglected kids are how I make a living these days (I call that "Tuesday"). Still, nothing worth making the journey for.

Quote of the Week

2008-03-21T16:54:00.000-07:00

From Eddie Sutton, interim head coach of the USF men's basketball team:

"This is my 37th year in Division I and this is the least amount of talent I've ever had to work with. I've really had to program myself to be patient. Some of these guys have almost developed a defeatist attitude. ... I'm not downgrading them. They are what they are -- they're good college players. I've been blessed with great players. Look at my record. You don't have that record without great players."

Boy, good thing he wasn't downgrading them. With this kind of positive leadership, I have no idea how any of the players could have developed a defeatist attitude.

What a horrible coda to an already tarnished career. USF should be ashamed for creating this situation, and for wheeling in this shell of a man so that he can slump on the sidelines and "win" his 800th game, pretending to coach without even knowing any of the players' names, while the university grabs some national spotlight time. Sutton should be ashamed for desperately trying to reclaim his former glory and grab one last time for the brass ring that slipped through his alcohol-soaked fingers. Just awful.

You can read the entire article here.

Like C. Thomas Howell in Red Dawn

2008-03-17T19:22:00.000-07:00

It's official; I am a full member of the club.

My first Wii injury (not counting strained muscles):

A fingernail incident while playing Wii Sports Baseball and swinging the Wiimote, but don't worry...I still got the hit.

Quote of the Week

2008-03-14T08:39:00.000-07:00

In the hallway outside the courtroom I am currently assigned to, from a parent of one of my clients; the parent is a fairly notorious local pimp and drug dealer:

"You're really good at this...have you thought about private practice? I would hire you in a minute, man!"

Um...thanks?

(L)Awfully good times...

2008-03-05T12:17:00.000-08:00

Sad to see that Gary Gygax, one of the co-creators of the original Dungeons & Dragons system, died yesterday.

Some of my best friends and better memories involve D&D in some fashion or another, and if that makes me a geek, so be it. I have a +2 Thick Skin, and I made my saving throw versus Insults and Dragon Breath, so feel free to make fun of me as much as you want.

Good times

2008-03-03T08:46:00.000-08:00

Another great trip to Vegas. We stayed a little longer than normal, but it gave the Wife a day off from her conference to play, so it was worth it. We stayed here, saw this, ate here, here, and (a little more cheaply) here, and relaxed here. We played a LOT of poker; the Wife won a tournament here, and I won a tournament here. We were initially a little intimidated to play in a tournament here, but we got over it, and it was hands-down the best poker room we've ever played in.

Coming home from Vegas with more money than you went with = good times.

The envelope...not necessary...

2008-02-24T21:15:00.000-08:00

To quote Colbert: I called it!

I thought their performance was great, and did not need the orchestra backup; what makes it beautiful, in the film and otherwise, is the simplicity. I also really liked Hansard's (and, later, Irglova's) honest, thrilled reaction. Nice.

I have said this over and over, on this blog and to anybody who will listen in real life: if you have not seen this movie, do so. Brilliant.

Feeling old(er), part two...

2008-02-22T16:28:00.000-08:00

The Wife got me a Wii for my birthday, officially putting her in the lead for Best...Wife...Ever. With some extra Vegas money (anything I bring back...that's extra in my math...), I bought Guitar Hero III, and have already put the Evil Bunny sticker on my axe. I had WAY too much fun yesterday. Rockin' fun.

And this morning, I am feeling it. Apparently, when you are an out-of-shape, middle-aged man, rocking out in your living room with a plastic guitar is a great way to wrench your back. I have been walking very slowly today, and with each twinge, I damn C.C. DeVille and his vile music (which I am still working on at the Easy level, but had down just enough yesterday to add some extra hip moves while playing). Oh, I'll talk dirty to you, you bastard...

A suggestion to other mid-30s living room rockstars...rock with your legs, not your back.

Feeling old(er)

2008-02-11T07:45:00.000-08:00

Michael Jackson's Thriller album came out on this day...twenty five years ago.

I know.

If you are around my age, you must have had this album. It was the Frampton Comes Alive! of the 80s.

Makes me feel older, and makes me remember a better time for Mr. Jackson. Young Michael, you are missed.

Tease

2008-02-09T08:50:00.000-08:00

They changed the billboard at my train stop the other day:

What a bunch of teases...I have to look at this while I'm trudging to work? I'm only human, you know.

The value of pre-medication

2008-01-28T08:21:00.000-08:00

We saw Cloverfield this weekend; judging by the huge drop in box office, my guess is that if you are the type that was going to see this movie, you have by now, and if you are not that type, you will likely wait for DVD.

Which I strongly recommend. Without giving anything away, the entire movie is (ostensibly) a recovered video tape(supposedly) shot on a hand-held camera, which means that seeing this in your home could actually add to the creepy factor, ala Blair Witch Project.

But the main reason I would recommend waiting for DVD is that seeing this movie on a big screen just about gave me a seizure. 85 minutes of shaky footage, a lot of it shot while the cameraman is running? I had a gigantic headache by the end of this thing, and The Wife was truly nauseous, to the point that I think she missed large parts of the movie while she was looking at the floor, trying to give her inner ear a chance to catch up.

Overall, I really liked this movie; clearly it is an extended allegory for the fear and confusion on September 11, and some of the shots in this movie could have been stock footage from that day. Definitely worth seeing, but either wait for DVD, or, if you are over the age of 30, take a couple Tylenol twenty minutes prior to viewing.

You have been warned.

Downward slope

2008-01-13T19:14:00.000-08:00

The English language takes another step backwards:

Et tu, Flea Market?

Ouch

2008-01-13T18:35:00.000-08:00

These are the opening sentences from On Chesil Beach, by Ian McEwan:

They were young, educated, and both virgins on this, their wedding night, and they lived in a time when a conversation about sexual difficulties was plainly impossible. But it is never easy.

Ouch, indeed. This novella, a quick and painful (!) read, takes place in the early 1960s, but, as that second sentence notes, could just as easily be set in the 1860s or now. It is difficult to say that I enjoyed reading this book, but given that the core of the story is about two people failing to talk to each other, I am keeping it from the library until The Wife has a chance to read it, and we can talk about it. It will not be easy, but it is never easy. If you are half of a couple, I recommend the same.

(if this post is too Dr. Phil for you, my apologies...I'll try to get back to my snarky self in the near future)

I knew it!

2008-01-11T16:48:00.001-08:00

I just knew that flying cars were on their way. See (and buy!) for yourself.

Jen, it looks like at least one of my predictions is upon us.

I Am Perplexed

2008-01-02T09:30:00.000-08:00

We got out of the house yesterday and went to see I Am Legend, a romantic comedy about a killer virus that wipes out 90% of the Earth's population, leaving 1% immune and 9% as pseudo-vampires, hiding in the dark and seeking blood. Somehow, Ashely Judd is not in this movie.

I need to start by saying I liked this movie; I thought it had an interesting premise, was entertaining, and I think Will Smith really showed he can act, not just fight CGI beasties (although that happens a lot here). However, I have to admit that the more I think about the movie, the more I have questions about what happened (or didn't happen, but maybe should have), and how much might have been lost in the translation from the book (I am not sure how this happened, given my geekboy upbringing, but I have never read it).

The rest of this may contain spoilers, so if you have not seen the movie, read on at your own risk.

Some questions:

1) If the lead monster was smart enough to devise a snare to catch Robert, why wasn't he smarter at other times? For example, instead of just sending the demon dogs, shouldn't he have swarmed Robert right then?

2) If the lead monster was smart enough to use tools to devise said snare, why wasn't he smart enough to use other tools, like say a gun or a big hunk of rock, hurled from the darkness to kill our hero?

3) If the government/military sealed off the island of Manhattan, how did the Brazilian get there from Maryland? For that matter, how did she get out at the end?

3A) If less than 1% of the world's population survived the virus, and even less than that are still walking and not zombie chow, what are the odds that one survivor, from Brazil, would speak perfect English?

4) How did so many zombies survive for three years? Does this go back to the "smart" zombie idea above, that even though the zombies were losing their humanity and reverting, they were just smart enough to survive? (I thought this was one of the strongest points in the movie 28 Days Later; there, the infected simply ran out of food and started dying off after a while since they were unable, in their "rage" state, to organize and feed themselves, and their bodies simply gave out).

I get that a lot of the answers to this fall into the "it's a movie" category, but I think they could have been dealt with better.

And yeah, I will admit it...I got a little teary when the dog died, but not when the 6 billion people did. Not sure what that says about me.

Applying the Statute of Frauds in my living room

2007-12-31T08:47:00.000-08:00

GREAT law school joke last night; or, in the alternative, if you didn't go to law school, AWFUL joke consisting of a grouping of words that would only be funny to those who went to law school (or, as illustrated here, to those who lived with those who went to law school).

The setup: The Wife and I are watching the Arizona/Memphis game last night on TiVo. An Arizona player tries to drive the lane, and a Memphis player gets called for a blocking foul. Commentator Steve Lavin uses the wrong word to describe the foul as it is shown in slow motion:

Lavin: And as he drives the lane, he initiates the contract with the other player.

The Wife: Huh...what was the consideration?

Brilliant! Five points to Gryffindor! Yet another sad example of what living with me can do to a healthy adult mind. I'm like a pre-1968 television: I'm fun to be around, but you really shouldn't sit too close to me for extended periods of time.

The 2007 Esqys

2007-12-30T11:39:00.000-08:00

It's that time again...time to look back at the past year, and see what made the highlights, and what was second best. As always with the Esqys, I have a good shot to win most categories. But as always, please...no wagering.

Best Trip of the Year (Non-Family): Lake Tahoe. It was a lovely drive, the weather (mostly) cooperated, and we played some great poker. Relaxing and fun...what every trip should be.

Best Trip of the Year (Family): Kentucky. Got to see everybody, got to see lots of great NCAA basketball, and even got to see our respective alma maters. Nice.

Best Book I Read This Year (Serious): [tie] The Shotgun Rule, by Charlie Huston. Action-packed from page one, this suburban tale of kids with too much time on their hands getting in way over their heads resonated with me due to my own childhood, as well as the various children I work with today.

Best Book I Read This Year (Serious): [tie] Letter to a Christian Nation, by Sam Harris. Concise and impactful, this is a great dissection of faith in America and one of the first books that helped me feel good about my lack of faith in gods.

Best Book I Read This Year (Fun): World War Z, by Max Brooks. I feel a little bad about putting books that are a fun read into a different category than more serious books; this is the same reason a comedy will never win Best Picture at the Oscars. But I also have to admit that, while I really enjoyed this book, it impacted me in a different way than the others. Still, a great time, and now I have another reason to remember Yonkers.

Best Movie I Saw (Violent): No Country for Old Men. Wow. If you have not seen this movie, do so. Some of the best dialog I have seen in a movie in a long time, and yet I think some of the best scenes had no dialog at all (the scene in the hotel comes to mind; right in the middle of this scene is when the woman sitting in front of us chose to fight a peppermint candy out of its crinkly wrapper. Apparently, the wrapper bested her, as the fight went on for some time. I think it would have been legal for me to kick her; or, at least, no jury would have convicted me).

Best Movie I Saw (Non-Violent): Once. Wow. If you have not seen this movie, do so. If this movie does not touch you, then you are made of stone, or some stone-like substance, and I am not sure I can be your friend. Sorry to be harsh, but if even my blackened, snarky self can just sit back and be pleasantly entertained by this beautiful movie, I have faith it will work for you, too. Give it a try.

Best purchase: a plan. This year, instead of making big, splashy purchases, we instead met with and have been working with a financial planner. We're currently working on managing our remaining debts, saving for a downpayment on a house, and making plans for the future that include retirement and educational planning for some loved ones. Peace of mind is expensive, but worth it.

Best Supporting Actor: Me, on The Sneeze.com. I win again! Wow, I was just thrilled to be nominated! So many people to thank. Um, well, thanks to Steve for not only printing my letter, but writing back and asking for a photo of me looking "pathetic." Is there any other kind?

Not a bad year, and looks like I will have to clear some more mantel space for my many, many awards. Hope you had some award-winning moments yourself. See you next December; one of these years, we'll have some real competition in the "Best Route to Jet-Pack to Work" category. Fingers crossed.

Boxing Day

2007-12-27T08:59:00.000-08:00

I am still not completely sure what Boxing Day is, but I can tell you this: it is a great idea. I took yesterday off, and wow was it necessary. Besides needing it to finally wrap up what was either a nasty stomach virus or (more likely) my body's lack of preparedness for a very rich meal filled with lots of great tastes (which, although they taste great together, were probably never meant to actually go together), it was a fantastic opportunity to just get some stuff done. I got all of our thank-you notes written and in the mail, cleaned up the kitchen from The Wife's Bake-a-palooza (every year around the holidays, she turns our kitchen into a cookie factory...that Keebler Elf sweatshop has nothing on her...), got some much-needed laundry out of the way, and still managed to make time to kill hundreds of Nazis and just randomly blow the bejeezus out of stuff. A good day all around.

Of course, if my dreams had come true (read: if I had a few hundred extra bucks lying around), yesterday would have been, let's go with, Wii-tastic, and I would be well on my way to rock godhood by now. But, that can wait. I've never been, nor felt the need to be, the first kid on my block to have the newest toy, and I have a sense that now that the holidays are over, the madness will slow down a little, i.e. the prices will go way down, availability will go way up, and wii will be rocking out at my house before too much longer.

Back home: Brendon 1, Sunburn 0

2007-12-10T06:43:00.000-08:00

We got home from our "free" cruise yesterday; back in September, the Wife won a poker tournament on a cruise ship, and first prize was...another cruise...on the same ship...two months later. This "free" cruise was the most expensive free thing we've ever done, once you add up the airfare to Florida, various taxes, and $5 pina coladas on the Lido deck (FYI: no Gopher anywhere). Anyway, although cruising is not something we're very into, it was a fun time, and it got us out of the house and away from work for a week.

I will post stories and photos from each port below as if I was posting from the ship...which I could have done, but it would have cost me dearly, as internet time onboard is 50 cents a minute, and their connection made me long for the days of 56K dial up. Sorry, but no; you will have to pretend along with me.

Cruise, Day 7: Wrap it up

2007-12-08T17:08:00.000-08:00

Day 7 of the cruise was a "day at sea," which means you do not get off the boat. It was actually very nice; we slept in, the Wife went back to the spa, I finished my book, and we played some more in the casino. I tried to beat the strongman, but he won.

It was also a good day to tie up some loose ends. On the last day, you are given tip envelopes, along with suggested tip amounts, for the people who directly served you throughout the cruise (waiters, assistant waiters, and cabin stewards). I got the impression some people were irritated by the idea of an "expected" tip, but these people work hard, long hours, every day of the week, and I think they more than earned their pay and more than deserved gratuities.

I am glad that this last day on the ship was a restful one, because the trip home the next day was pretty awful. Delayed planes, missed connections, and long waits in various airports added up to us getting home about seven hours later than expected. Yuck.

Did we have fun? Yes. Was it relaxing? No. Would I go on another cruise? Doubtful.

Cruise, Day 6: No mas

2007-12-07T16:35:00.000-08:00

Day 6 dawned with us in Cozumel, Mexico. By this time, I was officially done. I was tired of standing in line, tired of listening to Angry Dad spout off about how this was a terrible ship and he was having a terrible time...on this, his tenth cruise. If people love to cruise and do it often, that's great; but I cannot tell you how many people we were forced to listen to gripe and moan about how disappointed they were, only to later learn that they are regular cruise people. No entiendo.

The Wife was pretty done as well, so Cozumel was a quick one. We got off the boat, took a cab to the main shopping area, window shopped for duty-free watches and other classy merchandise (see photo), had lunch at a "Mexican" restaurant (it was very tasty, but it was American Mexican food like you would get anywhere here), and made our way back to the ship. It was pretty hot and sunny, and on the walk back to the ship, I enjoyed a Sol beer, complete with lime, and for the first time actually understood the appeal of Corona. That appeal, by the way, is exclusive to being in a very hot, tropical climate, and should not include frat parties. We went back to the ship, took a nice long nap, and that was about it. Actually, one of our nicer days.

Note to self: when we gear up for another trip to Mexico, like the one we had planned before this "free" trip came along, make sure that where we are headed is NOT a cruise ship destination.

Cruise, Day 5: A day on the farm

2007-12-06T13:21:00.000-08:00

Day 5 of the cruise found us docked in Grand Cayman. Back in 2004, Hurricane Ivan devastated the island, leveling large portions of the structures and leaving most of the island under water for quite some time. Our tour guide pointed out all of the new buildings as we drove along, noting that just about everything is new construction. Part of the problem is that the highest point on the island is 60 feet above sea level, which meant that the island was a blank slate before and after the winds. I was impressed with the rebuilding efforts, and can only imagine that most residents are wondering when the next big one is coming. Once again, we were one of many ships in the harbor, and we were told that this is the slow time of the year. Normally, there are apparently up to nine of these monstrosities in the harbor on any given day, flooding this tiny island with thousands and thousands of tourists, the main source of income for the island. I was glad to be there on a slow day, even if the locals would have preferred more of us.

We visited Boatswain's Beach, which is billed as an "adventure park" but is basically a ranch where the main livestock is green sea turtles. Our tourguide explained that 70% of the turtles are bred for tourism and breeding stock, 20% are released into the wild to help replenish the dwindling numbers...and 10% are for food. We were reminded that the Cayman Islands have no natural resources, and overfishing has resulted in diminishing returns for other seafood, so turtles are a part of the diet in the area. I have no idea why this bothered me, as any other form of ranching would involve numbers of an inverse proportion, but it did. I think serving turtle soup in the gift shop is a bit much, but again, I am admittedly anthropomorphizing here.

Here are a couple videos I made of the turtles...some are cuter than others...

We also stopped by Hell, which is a tiny town/post office in Grand Cayman, so you can...you guessed it, send postcards from Hell! Ha-HA! We realized too late that we didn't have any addresses with us, and we've become so reliant on having that information written down somewhere that I could barely remember our own zip code, let alone anybody else's. Opportunity...missed.

Back aboard. we went and watched the Mariner Masters Poker Tournament final table, and had a nice time. We even met Captain Johnny, who was kind enough to pose with us for a photo. Nice day, but by this time, we were really starting to wear down. Lots of fun things, but not a lot of relaxing fun things. Tomorrow would need to be different.

Cruise, Day 4: [inhale]

2007-12-05T11:02:00.000-08:00

Day 4 found us arriving in Ocho Rios, Jamaica. I inhaled deeply off the balcony, hoping to catch a whiff of cooking jerk chicken, mixed with some marijuana, but all I could smell was diesel fuel. My preconceived notions were shattered. To jump ahead in the story, we didn't eat any food in Jamaica, and I regret that; the time constraints would have made it very difficult to eat anywhere other than immediately off the boat at one of the three huge duty-free malls that were in convenient walking distance of the ship, and I have a sense I can find more authentic Jamaican food here at home than there. Oh well.

Once off the boat, we headed to Dolphin Cove to swim with the main attractions. This took me way outside my comfort zone, and I was very nervous to be in the water with large animals. I do not swim for fun, and I have a fear thing about not being able to touch the bottom and being in "their" (read: out of my) environment. However, the Wife thought this would be good for me, and as usual, it turned out she was right. We (and by we, I mean the two of us and five other people, so a small group that allowed a lot of interaction time) swam with Nemo, one of the younger dolphins there, and he was a bit sassy. It was early (according to the trainers, dolphins don't really sleep in the same sense we do, so I am not sure what is "early" for a dolphin?), and he was apparently not in the mood to go through the normal motions with us. I actually really liked the idea of Nemo sort of giving the middle finger (fin?) to his handlers and us; it was reassuring to me to think that he was intelligent enough to demand extra fish to allow the big white guy to touch him. When it came time to take the kissing photo, instead of one tap on my cheek, he did it like 12 times...in my mind, Nemo was being ironic, and I pretty much laughed for the entire time we were in the water with him. I had hoped for a photo of the three of us (me, the Wife, and Nemo), but the staff said that Nemo didn't do that. I have a sense Nemo would have been fine with it, but that would have meant me only buying one photo instead of two, and apparently it is pretty expensive to feed a dolphin, let alone the 10 or so they have at the park. As much trepidation as I had, I have to admit, that was an amazing opportunity, and I am very glad I did it. Would I do it again? Probably not, but some of the fear is gone, and that alone was worth the price of admission.

The rest of the park was kind of sad; I got excited about feeding time at the shark tank, until I saw they were all nurse sharks, which I believe are the nerdy computer programmer cousins in the shark family. Here's a short video of them circling, which reminded me more of a morning commute than anything cool:

After the dolphins, we went across the street (literally) to Dunn's River Falls, which seemed to be a must-see on every tourist list. The falls themselves are very impressive, and the surrounding park was very pretty. There was the standard hawking of crappy chotchkies, and one guy even secretively offered to sell me weed. I assumed this was all part of the tourist experience, but was told later that undercover cops abound throughout the tourist areas, hoping I guess to make their quotas of arrested Americans. Sorry to disappoint. The guy who offered to sell me the weed did take this picture of us, though, so if he was a cop, he's a better photographer than police officer.

Back aboard, we were entertained that evening by Ice Under the Big Top, an ice show in the bottom of the boat. Full-on triple axels, on an ice rink that looked like it was the size of my living room, in a moving ship...and nobody fell. Impressive.

Cruise, Day 3: Haiti. Yes, that Haiti.

2007-12-04T15:43:00.000-08:00

Day 3 found us sailing into the port of Labadee, Haiti. You read that right: our cruise ship docked for a port excursion in the poorest nation in the Western hemisphere. But don't worry: Royal Caribbean has gone to great lengths to ensure that there is no, I repeat no, resemblance between Labadee and the rest of Haiti. This article explains it in greater length, but the short version is that Labadee is a small peninsula that is wholly leased and operated by the Royal Caribbean corporation from the government of Haiti. Labadee is literally a walled-off theme park version of the third world, complete with "natives" in polyester clothing and nametags, and the whole thing is sanitized for your pleasure. I think it is fair to say that Labadee encapsulated my overall creepy feelings about cruising, made worse by the fact that I had a lovely time.

We skipped the "Flea Market" (where "Haitians" hawked their made in China wares in an "authentic" setting) and went to Malfini beach, a semi-private excursion for twenty people max to have some quiet beach time. The trip to the beach involved a smaller boat, as well as a tour guide who made safe, if pointed, jokes about Columbus "discovering" the New World and all of the people who already lived there. Upon arrival, the twenty of us were greeted with fun rum drinks, and then shown our beach chairs and water floats. No arguing, no lines...very nice. So nice I even got in the water, something I wasn't really sure would happen, but I am glad I did: bathwater warm. I didn't even sink my float, something I was a little worried about.

There were a couple natives present who may not have been vetted by RC. Here's a short video of one of them:

As uneasy as the entire faux-Haiti thing made me feel, we did have a nice time, we drank rum out of coconuts, and didn't get sunburned. Fantastic.

BTW, if you look closely at this last photo, you will see that, in my wanting to wear a white shirt to the beach and maybe be a little cooler, I for some unbelievably dumb reason picked the one that says "Public Defender: I AM a real lawyer!" Funny in the right crowd...but a cruise ship is probably not the right crowd. I had one older Angry Dad intentionally walk up to me and tell me how much he hates lawyers, and therefore hates me. Nice, right? He then said, "You know what lawyers are?" I thought I was going to hear a good lawyer joke, which I always enjoy, so I said "What?" He then described the excretory process of whales in the ocean, which distinctly lacked a punchline. I laughed it and him off, which I think pissed him off even more, and then laughed some more when his wife started yelling at him for being an old coot. I guess sometimes you have to make your own entertainment where you can.

Back on board, the Wife played in the first round of the Mariner Masters poker tournament. 25 players who won their tournaments returned for the final tournament. The Wife played well, but took a horrible bad beat, having her full house beaten by a bigger full house. Ouch. She had, of course, hoped to make it further, but she played well and just got unlucky. Not fun, but that's poker.

Cruise, Day 2: Sleep All Day

2007-12-03T11:58:00.000-08:00

Day 2 aboard our cruise saw the sun rising majestically above the horizon of the Atlantic...or so I am told, as we slept till around noon. This was without question the most relaxing day on the cruise for us; no alarm clocks, no lines, no Angry Dads. I had room service bring me a pot of coffee and some pastries, and I sat out on our balcony for a couple hours, watching the waves and reading a book. Absolutely marvelous.

I should take a moment here to describe our room. You can see a photo of the room here, a layout of the room here, or see a short video of it here. I did not take any photos of it myself, but trust me, this is exactly what our room looked like. The balcony made a huge difference; not only did it make the room bigger, but the ability to be "outside," but still in the privacy of your own room, was really great. We used the balcony as a refuge from the mob many, many times.

Day 2 was a pretty lazy day, and we really needed it. After getting up, we made our way to the pool deck, where we found some shade, read books, and enjoyed $5 cocktails. I mention the price mostly again as a warning to you, gentle reader, about the pitfalls of an "all-inclusive" vacation. I won't go so far as to call this a scam, but I think bait-and-switch may be fair. Your cruise vacation is all-inclusive...as long as you only drink water or coffee. You want anything else to drink? It'll cost. You want anything with alcohol? It'll cost. You want anything above and beyond the bland food at the buffet and dining rooms? It'll cost. And here's where the cruise line is genius: they make it SO EASY to pay. When you get on, they require an open credit card line so you can open your SeaPass card. With this card, you can pay for everything on board with an easy swipe. Drinks? Swipe. Jewelry in the duty free shop? Swipe. Money to gamble? Swipe. Amazing.

I played in a poker tournament (swipe) in an attempt to win a seat and join the Wife in her Mariner Masters tournament, but came in third. So close.

Day 2 was Formal Night, which is I guess an attempt at pretending that we're dining and sailing on the Queen Mary, and not a floating Golden Corral. I think it is smart of RC to not specify what "formal" really means, but rather just say that flip-flops and shorts are not permitted. In fairness, there were people wearing tuxes, and in fact, you could rent a tux on board. In retrospect, I wish I had done that, as it would have been one less thing to pack. Here's a shot of us at formal night; we clean up pretty good.

This is an example of the many critters that we encountered upon coming back to the room. The cleaning staff, and for that matter the entire staff, was pretty impressive, and given the hours they work, and how hard they work, it is even more impressive. Here is a site that advertises cruise jobs and sample salaries; sadly, I imagine these numbers are actually higher than normal. However, I also imagine that cruise salaries may be tax-free for most employees, and I also think that these salaries are in US dollars, which may still be stronger than some of the currencies of the world. Maybe.

Cruise, Day 1: Up All Night

2007-12-02T11:11:00.000-08:00

Day 1 of our relaxing vacation got off to a rough start. We caught an overnight flight to Orlando, sitting in the last row of the plane by the bathrooms, ensuring that (a) our seats would not recline, and (b) any other chance of sleeping was eliminated by the constant congregation of people waiting for the bathrooms. Nice.

We arrived in Orlando at around 6AM local time, thus ensuring that we were first in line for the bus to the port...which was scheduled to leave at 10A, but was closer to 11. After a 45 minute ride to the port, we were kept on the bus for another 40ish minutes by a 90 year old Royal Caribbean employee appropriately named Dick, who waited the full time before revealing why we were being kept on the bus. Very smart, Dick. Several lines and hours later, we were finally on the boat.

Once on, things smoothed out. We were aboard the Mariner of the Seas, a floating city, complete with ice rink, shopping mall, and its own Disney World theme park. Only one of those is false. We enjoyed a trip to the spa for much-needed massages, attended a welcome cocktail party for the Wife's poker tournament (she was given a free shirt, which was a men's polo shirt, size L. If you have met my wife, you probably know that she is not a size L, and not a man. This was the first year of the Mariner Masters poker tournament, and they have a lot of things to work out if they do this again), went through our muster drill, and got in line for our first night at dinner.

I should take a moment to talk about the lines. If you have not been on a cruise before, and are considering it, ask yourself the following questions:

1) Do I like having every moment of my day planned down to the minute by somebody else?
2) Do I like conforming to that schedule of events, including standing in line for every one of those events?
3) Do I like standing in those lines behind Angry Dads, who answered questions 1 and 2 with an affirmative, and now will show their affirmation by talking out loud to no one in particular about how angry they are that the schedule is late and the lines are not moving?

I strongly suggest that you be able to answer "yes" to at least two of those questions before booking your cruise.

Day 1 ended in our cabin, with me and the Wife collapsing into coma-like slumber on the surprisingly comfortable bed. Day 2 was a day at sea with a minimum of scheduling, and so was one of the few days we would not have to set an alarm. We took full advantage of this.

PS. If you are a man who is a size L, or know a man who is a size L, and would like an ugly polo shirt, let me know. We have a couple available.

Pedophile shopping list?

2007-11-24T14:22:00.000-08:00

This is a photo of the back of a minivan I saw in a parking garage not long ago; I have been morbidly fascinated by these stickers for some time now, and thought this one was the coup de graceless. Why do people do this? Didn't the plot of any number of after-school specials warn us against sharing our names and how many kids there are in the family with strangers?

I don't understand the appeal of this; is this the next incarnation of the equally dumbfounding "Baby on Board" signs? There are several websites where you can buy these things, in any number of politically-correct shapes and poses, and I even found this blogger singing the praises of sharing personal information with people who didn't want it in the first place.

No se, no entiendo.

Wait...huh?

2007-11-12T10:29:00.001-08:00

This site popped up as a banner ad in my Gmail this morning when I was reading a comic strip; love that Google AdSense! Based on the bad spelling and oddly nice accommodations, I am guessing this site is advertising for either

(a) a cleverly (if thinly) disguised casting call for a new reality show,

or

(b) a serial killer who got tired of waiting around.

I really hope it's the former.

Gesundheit

2007-11-10T13:10:00.000-08:00

My quest for internet stardom moved forward this week when The Sneeze posted an email I sent in after my lifestyle failed to become more rock and roll upon wearing his rock and roll t-shirt. There's probably a lesson to be learned here, but learning is not very metal, so I say "nay" to learning.

I will continue to rock, but honestly, it's hard to type with both hands permanently in devil horns. My seventh grade typing teacher would be horrified at what this does to the home row.

TK421, thank you for being away from your post

2007-11-03T19:41:00.000-07:00

Went to a wedding today; it was a full Catholic mass, and I was amazed that, although it's been twenty years or so since I went to church regularly, I knew every word and every step. That alter boy training was thorough. I thought using white wine for the blood of Christ was very California. Probably a nice Chardonnay.

Anyway, the reception was great: cupcake tower, chocolate fountain, and open bar. Nice. But the REAL excitement for me was when four Imperial troopers (two stormtroopers, and two scout troopers) showed up and made me giggle like a little girl. Here are the photos; my face ached from smiling so much. Enjoy.

ps. I brought along our wedding invitation, in the hopes that we could make a video for YouTube of me, eating cupcakes, and the Stormtroopers asking to see my invitation, and me telling them that they did not need to see my invitation, and that these were not the cupcakes they were looking for. Didn't happen. Too bad; that would have been fantastic.

You, shake your junk!

2007-11-01T08:47:00.000-07:00

Another good earthquake Monday night, and once again, the cats were useless. It could be I just don't know how to read their body language, but if sleeping and grooming are their way of telling me that the ground is about to start heaving violently, we are apparently in for a HUGE one soon. This article talks about the lack of scientific evidence that animals have any sort of "heightened sense" of looming disaster. My anecdotal evidence is probably this: living a block away from the train stop rattles my windows enough that our cats are probably used to it by now, and the odds of them giving us any Lassie-like warnings are slim to none.

Once again, the cats fail to earn their keep.

Mendocino

2007-10-27T14:24:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, the Wife and I took some time off for a much-needed break, and drove north to Mendocino and our first bed and breakfast experience. We found a B&B that we really liked, not only for what it was (centrally located, fantastic breakfast, stylishly appointed, fun art in the courtyard), but also what it was not (not a doily or flower-print, Victorian-style anything in sight). If you are heading that way, we highly recommend it.

We had a great weekend. We relaxed at a spa, ate fantastic food (as well as some bland food masquerading as fantastic), and did a lot of wandering around and window shopping. We bought very little, in part because most of the stores sold the same generic items you find in every other vacation/destination town: fudge that is not very good, but very expensive; a "fancy" toy store that sells the same stuff you can get anywhere, but for a whole lot more money; and the inevitable local artists and their galleries of marginal landscapes that I guess is meant to be a more upscale way of taking home memories. Mendocino does not have an old-timey photo place, but it's pretty much the only thing missing. The other reason we didn't buy much is because, for some reason we were not able to figure out, everything closed at around 2PM and didn't reopen till around 5. Some sort of hippie siesta, I think.

We also wandered around the coast, which was sunny enough to be beautiful, and cool enough to warrant extra layers of clothing. There are various chains and old pieces of wharf still on the trails; apparently Mendocino was a very busy port, but due to its crashing waves and irregular surf, a lot of the shipments had to be picked up by cranes off of the boats and swung ashore. I tried to pull one of the chains out of the ground...I was unsuccessful. I had this fantasy that, if I had been able to yank it out of the ground, the end would have been affixed to this giant bathtub plug, and the whole town would have been sucked into the Pacific. I guess, in retrospect, I am glad I was unsuccessful. My car was parked there.

This is a video I made of the surf; I included my own sound effects, in case years of CGI has ruined your imagination and the majesty of nature is not enough for you. Enjoy.

Great weekend, very relaxing, and something I hope happens again before long.

I got a letter from the government the other day...

2007-10-18T09:25:00.000-07:00

Just finished The Postman, by David Brin, and not surprisingly, I liked it a lot. If you know me, you know my love of (a) novels set in a dystopic future, and (b) stories in general that deal with the breakdown of society and how people interact when there are no laws, no rules, no order (Lost, come back to me!). This book fit both bills nicely, and I would recommend it.

Now, however, I am faced with a dilemma: do I take the chance of potentially ruining this positive experience by watching the Kevin Costner movie? I think I knew the answer to this question before it fully coalesced in my mind (quick, name a good Costner movie that's not Bull Durham...see?), but after reading Brin's own review of the movie, that answer has solidified into a firm "no." Here's my favorite quote from Brin's review:

...watching Kevin Costner's three hour epic is a bit like having a great big Golden Retriever jump on your lap and lick your face, while waving a flag tied to its tail. It's big, floppy, uncoordinated, overeager, sometimes gorgeous -- occasionally a bit goofy -- and so big-hearted that something inside of you has to give... that is, if you like that sort of thing.

With ringing endorsements like that, I think my Netflix queue is safe.

Ps. Brin, slow down on the exclamation points...you're not Elaine.

Nice start, but...

2007-10-13T08:33:00.000-07:00

On a couple of occasions when I have forgotten that I have TiVo and don't have to watch commercials, I have seen some ads for this group, touting themselves as do-gooders because they are providing free or reduced prescription medicines. One of the commercials I saw has grateful recipients (or actors playing such), talking about how they would have died or come close without this program.

Big Drug Companies, this is a nice start, but it's really just a drop in the bucket. People should not be dying simply because they cannot afford your pills, and they shouldn't be grateful that you dropped your exorbitant prices in an attempt to clean up your image, no matter how many times you put Montel out there with his "this is serious" look.

Here's an idea: how about a "luxury tax" style upcharge on your boner pills to really fund this program? Put your money where your [ahem] is, Pfizer, and I just might start believing that you care.