Cruise, Day 3: Haiti. Yes, that Haiti.

Day 3 found us sailing into the port of Labadee, Haiti. You read that right: our cruise ship docked for a port excursion in the poorest nation in the Western hemisphere. But don't worry: Royal Caribbean has gone to great lengths to ensure that there is no, I repeat no, resemblance between Labadee and the rest of Haiti. This article explains it in greater length, but the short version is that Labadee is a small peninsula that is wholly leased and operated by the Royal Caribbean corporation from the government of Haiti. Labadee is literally a walled-off theme park version of the third world, complete with "natives" in polyester clothing and nametags, and the whole thing is sanitized for your pleasure. I think it is fair to say that Labadee encapsulated my overall creepy feelings about cruising, made worse by the fact that I had a lovely time.

We skipped the "Flea Market" (where "Haitians" hawked their made in China wares in an "authentic" setting) and went to Malfini beach, a semi-private excursion for twenty people max to have some quiet beach time. The trip to the beach involved a smaller boat, as well as a tour guide who made safe, if pointed, jokes about Columbus "discovering" the New World and all of the people who already lived there. Upon arrival, the twenty of us were greeted with fun rum drinks, and then shown our beach chairs and water floats. No arguing, no lines...very nice. So nice I even got in the water, something I wasn't really sure would happen, but I am glad I did: bathwater warm. I didn't even sink my float, something I was a little worried about.

There were a couple natives present who may not have been vetted by RC. Here's a short video of one of them:



As uneasy as the entire faux-Haiti thing made me feel, we did have a nice time, we drank rum out of coconuts, and didn't get sunburned. Fantastic.

BTW, if you look closely at this last photo, you will see that, in my wanting to wear a white shirt to the beach and maybe be a little cooler, I for some unbelievably dumb reason picked the one that says "Public Defender: I AM a real lawyer!" Funny in the right crowd...but a cruise ship is probably not the right crowd. I had one older Angry Dad intentionally walk up to me and tell me how much he hates lawyers, and therefore hates me. Nice, right? He then said, "You know what lawyers are?" I thought I was going to hear a good lawyer joke, which I always enjoy, so I said "What?" He then described the excretory process of whales in the ocean, which distinctly lacked a punchline. I laughed it and him off, which I think pissed him off even more, and then laughed some more when his wife started yelling at him for being an old coot. I guess sometimes you have to make your own entertainment where you can.

Back on board, the Wife played in the first round of the Mariner Masters poker tournament. 25 players who won their tournaments returned for the final tournament. The Wife played well, but took a horrible bad beat, having her full house beaten by a bigger full house. Ouch. She had, of course, hoped to make it further, but she played well and just got unlucky. Not fun, but that's poker.

Cruise, Day 2: Sleep All Day

Day 2 aboard our cruise saw the sun rising majestically above the horizon of the Atlantic...or so I am told, as we slept till around noon. This was without question the most relaxing day on the cruise for us; no alarm clocks, no lines, no Angry Dads. I had room service bring me a pot of coffee and some pastries, and I sat out on our balcony for a couple hours, watching the waves and reading a book. Absolutely marvelous.

I should take a moment here to describe our room. You can see a photo of the room here, a layout of the room here, or see a short video of it here. I did not take any photos of it myself, but trust me, this is exactly what our room looked like. The balcony made a huge difference; not only did it make the room bigger, but the ability to be "outside," but still in the privacy of your own room, was really great. We used the balcony as a refuge from the mob many, many times.

Day 2 was a pretty lazy day, and we really needed it. After getting up, we made our way to the pool deck, where we found some shade, read books, and enjoyed $5 cocktails. I mention the price mostly again as a warning to you, gentle reader, about the pitfalls of an "all-inclusive" vacation. I won't go so far as to call this a scam, but I think bait-and-switch may be fair. Your cruise vacation is all-inclusive...as long as you only drink water or coffee. You want anything else to drink? It'll cost. You want anything with alcohol? It'll cost. You want anything above and beyond the bland food at the buffet and dining rooms? It'll cost. And here's where the cruise line is genius: they make it SO EASY to pay. When you get on, they require an open credit card line so you can open your SeaPass card. With this card, you can pay for everything on board with an easy swipe. Drinks? Swipe. Jewelry in the duty free shop? Swipe. Money to gamble? Swipe. Amazing.

I played in a poker tournament (swipe) in an attempt to win a seat and join the Wife in her Mariner Masters tournament, but came in third. So close.

Day 2 was Formal Night, which is I guess an attempt at pretending that we're dining and sailing on the Queen Mary, and not a floating Golden Corral. I think it is smart of RC to not specify what "formal" really means, but rather just say that flip-flops and shorts are not permitted. In fairness, there were people wearing tuxes, and in fact, you could rent a tux on board. In retrospect, I wish I had done that, as it would have been one less thing to pack. Here's a shot of us at formal night; we clean up pretty good.


This is an example of the many critters that we encountered upon coming back to the room. The cleaning staff, and for that matter the entire staff, was pretty impressive, and given the hours they work, and how hard they work, it is even more impressive. Here is a site that advertises cruise jobs and sample salaries; sadly, I imagine these numbers are actually higher than normal. However, I also imagine that cruise salaries may be tax-free for most employees, and I also think that these salaries are in US dollars, which may still be stronger than some of the currencies of the world. Maybe.

Cruise, Day 1: Up All Night

Day 1 of our relaxing vacation got off to a rough start. We caught an overnight flight to Orlando, sitting in the last row of the plane by the bathrooms, ensuring that (a) our seats would not recline, and (b) any other chance of sleeping was eliminated by the constant congregation of people waiting for the bathrooms. Nice.

We arrived in Orlando at around 6AM local time, thus ensuring that we were first in line for the bus to the port...which was scheduled to leave at 10A, but was closer to 11. After a 45 minute ride to the port, we were kept on the bus for another 40ish minutes by a 90 year old Royal Caribbean employee appropriately named Dick, who waited the full time before revealing why we were being kept on the bus. Very smart, Dick. Several lines and hours later, we were finally on the boat.

Once on, things smoothed out. We were aboard the Mariner of the Seas, a floating city, complete with ice rink, shopping mall, and its own Disney World theme park. Only one of those is false. We enjoyed a trip to the spa for much-needed massages, attended a welcome cocktail party for the Wife's poker tournament (she was given a free shirt, which was a men's polo shirt, size L. If you have met my wife, you probably know that she is not a size L, and not a man. This was the first year of the Mariner Masters poker tournament, and they have a lot of things to work out if they do this again), went through our muster drill, and got in line for our first night at dinner.

I should take a moment to talk about the lines. If you have not been on a cruise before, and are considering it, ask yourself the following questions:

1) Do I like having every moment of my day planned down to the minute by somebody else?
2) Do I like conforming to that schedule of events, including standing in line for every one of those events?
3) Do I like standing in those lines behind Angry Dads, who answered questions 1 and 2 with an affirmative, and now will show their affirmation by talking out loud to no one in particular about how angry they are that the schedule is late and the lines are not moving?

I strongly suggest that you be able to answer "yes" to at least two of those questions before booking your cruise.

Day 1 ended in our cabin, with me and the Wife collapsing into coma-like slumber on the surprisingly comfortable bed. Day 2 was a day at sea with a minimum of scheduling, and so was one of the few days we would not have to set an alarm. We took full advantage of this.

PS. If you are a man who is a size L, or know a man who is a size L, and would like an ugly polo shirt, let me know. We have a couple available.

Pedophile shopping list?

This is a photo of the back of a minivan I saw in a parking garage not long ago; I have been morbidly fascinated by these stickers for some time now, and thought this one was the coup de graceless. Why do people do this? Didn't the plot of any number of after-school specials warn us against sharing our names and how many kids there are in the family with strangers?

I don't understand the appeal of this; is this the next incarnation of the equally dumbfounding "Baby on Board" signs? There are several websites where you can buy these things, in any number of politically-correct shapes and poses, and I even found this blogger singing the praises of sharing personal information with people who didn't want it in the first place.

No se, no entiendo.

Wait...huh?

This site popped up as a banner ad in my Gmail this morning when I was reading a comic strip; love that Google AdSense! Based on the bad spelling and oddly nice accommodations, I am guessing this site is advertising for either

(a) a cleverly (if thinly) disguised casting call for a new reality show,

or

(b) a serial killer who got tired of waiting around.

I really hope it's the former.

Gesundheit

My quest for internet stardom moved forward this week when The Sneeze posted an email I sent in after my lifestyle failed to become more rock and roll upon wearing his rock and roll t-shirt. There's probably a lesson to be learned here, but learning is not very metal, so I say "nay" to learning.

I will continue to rock, but honestly, it's hard to type with both hands permanently in devil horns. My seventh grade typing teacher would be horrified at what this does to the home row.

TK421, thank you for being away from your post

Went to a wedding today; it was a full Catholic mass, and I was amazed that, although it's been twenty years or so since I went to church regularly, I knew every word and every step. That alter boy training was thorough. I thought using white wine for the blood of Christ was very California. Probably a nice Chardonnay.

Anyway, the reception was great: cupcake tower, chocolate fountain, and open bar. Nice. But the REAL excitement for me was when four Imperial troopers (two stormtroopers, and two scout troopers) showed up and made me giggle like a little girl. Here are the photos; my face ached from smiling so much. Enjoy.



ps. I brought along our wedding invitation, in the hopes that we could make a video for YouTube of me, eating cupcakes, and the Stormtroopers asking to see my invitation, and me telling them that they did not need to see my invitation, and that these were not the cupcakes they were looking for. Didn't happen. Too bad; that would have been fantastic.

You, shake your junk!

Another good earthquake Monday night, and once again, the cats were useless. It could be I just don't know how to read their body language, but if sleeping and grooming are their way of telling me that the ground is about to start heaving violently, we are apparently in for a HUGE one soon. This article talks about the lack of scientific evidence that animals have any sort of "heightened sense" of looming disaster. My anecdotal evidence is probably this: living a block away from the train stop rattles my windows enough that our cats are probably used to it by now, and the odds of them giving us any Lassie-like warnings are slim to none.

Once again, the cats fail to earn their keep.

Mendocino

Last weekend, the Wife and I took some time off for a much-needed break, and drove north to Mendocino and our first bed and breakfast experience. We found a B&B that we really liked, not only for what it was (centrally located, fantastic breakfast, stylishly appointed, fun art in the courtyard), but also what it was not (not a doily or flower-print, Victorian-style anything in sight). If you are heading that way, we highly recommend it.

We had a great weekend. We relaxed at a spa, ate fantastic food (as well as some bland food masquerading as fantastic), and did a lot of wandering around and window shopping. We bought very little, in part because most of the stores sold the same generic items you find in every other vacation/destination town: fudge that is not very good, but very expensive; a "fancy" toy store that sells the same stuff you can get anywhere, but for a whole lot more money; and the inevitable local artists and their galleries of marginal landscapes that I guess is meant to be a more upscale way of taking home memories. Mendocino does not have an old-timey photo place, but it's pretty much the only thing missing. The other reason we didn't buy much is because, for some reason we were not able to figure out, everything closed at around 2PM and didn't reopen till around 5. Some sort of hippie siesta, I think.

We also wandered around the coast, which was sunny enough to be beautiful, and cool enough to warrant extra layers of clothing. There are various chains and old pieces of wharf still on the trails; apparently Mendocino was a very busy port, but due to its crashing waves and irregular surf, a lot of the shipments had to be picked up by cranes off of the boats and swung ashore. I tried to pull one of the chains out of the ground...I was unsuccessful. I had this fantasy that, if I had been able to yank it out of the ground, the end would have been affixed to this giant bathtub plug, and the whole town would have been sucked into the Pacific. I guess, in retrospect, I am glad I was unsuccessful. My car was parked there.

This is a video I made of the surf; I included my own sound effects, in case years of CGI has ruined your imagination and the majesty of nature is not enough for you. Enjoy.



Great weekend, very relaxing, and something I hope happens again before long.

I got a letter from the government the other day...

Just finished The Postman, by David Brin, and not surprisingly, I liked it a lot. If you know me, you know my love of (a) novels set in a dystopic future, and (b) stories in general that deal with the breakdown of society and how people interact when there are no laws, no rules, no order (Lost, come back to me!). This book fit both bills nicely, and I would recommend it.

Now, however, I am faced with a dilemma: do I take the chance of potentially ruining this positive experience by watching the Kevin Costner movie? I think I knew the answer to this question before it fully coalesced in my mind (quick, name a good Costner movie that's not Bull Durham...see?), but after reading Brin's own review of the movie, that answer has solidified into a firm "no." Here's my favorite quote from Brin's review:

...watching Kevin Costner's three hour epic is a bit like having a great big Golden Retriever jump on your lap and lick your face, while waving a flag tied to its tail. It's big, floppy, uncoordinated, overeager, sometimes gorgeous -- occasionally a bit goofy -- and so big-hearted that something inside of you has to give... that is, if you like that sort of thing.

With ringing endorsements like that, I think my Netflix queue is safe.

Ps. Brin, slow down on the exclamation points...you're not Elaine.

Nice start, but...

On a couple of occasions when I have forgotten that I have TiVo and don't have to watch commercials, I have seen some ads for this group, touting themselves as do-gooders because they are providing free or reduced prescription medicines. One of the commercials I saw has grateful recipients (or actors playing such), talking about how they would have died or come close without this program.

Big Drug Companies, this is a nice start, but it's really just a drop in the bucket. People should not be dying simply because they cannot afford your pills, and they shouldn't be grateful that you dropped your exorbitant prices in an attempt to clean up your image, no matter how many times you put Montel out there with his "this is serious" look.

Here's an idea: how about a "luxury tax" style upcharge on your boner pills to really fund this program? Put your money where your [ahem] is, Pfizer, and I just might start believing that you care.

If The Wife ever wises up and leaves me...

...I go here for a few years, get my head straight, and come back a lean, centered, Kung Fu killing machine. And apparently I do so for very little money.

Embedded in Hayward

This morning, the courthouse I am assigned to was evacuated due to a bomb scare. Long morning; the highlight was the giant explosion when the bomb squad detonated a suspicious garbage can after the sniffer dogs marked it as containing "something." Since there was no evidence of any explosive devices, I suppose that could have included a chicken salad sandwich.

After they blew up the suspicious garbage can, we were allowed back inside. Imagine my surprise when, over two hours later when we left for lunch, the destroyed garbage can, complete with garbage and other jagged metal shards, was still lying around. The Social Services Agency is across the street, including Child Protective Services; maybe this was some new "parenting obstacle course," and if you don't let your kids play with the shrapnel, you get to take them home?

Here's a little video I shot, in case you were hoping I was exaggerating:



I feel like I'm ready to be a correspondent in Anbar province.

Karma

Over the weekend, I took what was possibly the worst bad beat in poker I have ever taken; it was the true definition of a "bad beat," in that I had this guy dominated at the turn, and the river brought the one card in the deck that could have saved him. I lost a little over $40 on one hand, and that pretty much cooled my play for the rest of the weekend.

However, where most online sites do not offer bad beat jackpots, I came close the next day. I had put my name into a contest on Full Tilt; if you earned 7 poker points in one day, your name got entered into a random drawing for $77. Imagine my surprise when, the next day, still steaming more than a little, I get an email saying that $77 has just been deposited into my account.

I realize it was a random drawing, but I want to believe that the Poker Gods looked down on me and said, "That was pretty sick. How about a do-over?" Thanks, guys.

Goodbye, Sam

I guess it is appropriate that, on the anniversary of the third day after the anniversary of the death of Diana, Bret chose to cut Sam, the people's skanky bitch. I had hoped for a Sam/Jes final two, but now it is not to be. Sam, you lived your time in the Rock of Love house like a candle in the wind...a purple and black skull candle from Hot Topic with a Hello Kitty ribbon tied around it (for the irony, of course), but a candle none the less. I will miss you, even though I have to admit that I agree with Bret that the likelihood of you handling his touring/groupie lifestyle is suspect at best. "Winning" the show for the "privilege" to date a balding rock star from the 80s may no longer be in your future, Sam, but you're a winner in my books.

Tired, but worth it

Dropped The Wife off at the airport this morning; she is going on a cruise with her mother this week, and, if this map is correct, they should dodge Felix by a wide margin.

After the airport run, I drove straight up 101 to the River Rock Casino for their Saturday morning No Limit Hold 'Em tournament. I liked the structure a lot; reasonable buy-in, lots of players, T10,000 in chips, and 20-minute blinds. Having a lot of starting chips and slower blinds allows you to actually play poker, instead of encouraging crazy all-in moves from the start. I will definitely make the drive again. I made the final table, coming in 7th place, and got back my entry fee times two. Nice. Then, it was on to the 3-6 Limit table, where I played for about three hours, and managed to almost triple my buy-in. I hit some very nice hands, including winning four large pots in a row that made up the bulk of my money. Limit poker is all about patience, and even more so when you are playing in person, and you see a fraction of the number of hands you see online. Today, I was the spider, and their chips were the flies.

Which, BTW, is a very appropriate analogy, since there were several flies buzzing around the poker room (it was over 90 degrees in Geyserville today). If it weren't for the hundreds of extra dollars I went home with, I would be very disgusted right now.

Thumbs WAY up!

Watched this weekend's ep of Ebert & Roeper this morning, and along with Roger, something else was missing. Even if you don't watch the show, you may be aware that Roger Ebert has been off the show for quite some time, recovering from cancer. They have had a parade of guest hosts come through, some more interesting than others, but they have all stuck to the same formula: thumbs up, thumbs down.

However, on this week's show, the thumbs were absent. At first I assumed this meant that Roger may finally be fully retiring, and the show was being reformatted. However, I did a little Googling, and I found this article which explains that Roger, as part of his contract negotiations, decided to take his thumbs with him, and is not letting the show use his trademarked grading system.

I will admit, the thumbs up/down is a little simplistic at times, but I think I like it that way; it forces you to grade each movie against itself, and not against others. Make them pay, Roger.

Backhanded compliments

We were watching an episode of Big Love last night, and after yet another scene where Bill, the husband, has to untangle the Gordian knot of infighting between his multiple wives, I mentioned casually that I would be a bad polygamist. The Wife, answering so quickly that I got a little frightened that she can, in fact, read my mind, and therefore sees through the various gauzy veils of ironic deception that make up my life, (such as how I only watch Rock of Love because I used to listen to Poison as a young man and keep waiting for the episode when C.C. DeVille shows up at the house, rather than the truth, which is I am worried that it will come down to Sam and Jes, because then who will I root for? The creative editing for next week's ep seems to imply that Sam may finally have her meltdown and need to go, but I am holding out hope for my fave rocker grrrl) said, "Yes, you would be a terrible polygamist."

"Terrible"? I mean, I don't want to be a polygamist, and I had already admitted I would be bad at it, but terrible? Isn't that a little harsh? I mean, I know I would be bad at the stern-father-figure/"laying down the law" portion that seems to be important on the show, but I like to think I could learn how to do it over time and with some practice.

If you have been married as long as we have been, you probably know where my thought processes went from there. Now I secretly want a couple more wives, solely to prove to Wife #1 that I can do it, and therefore prove that Wife #1 is wrong.

Ah, spite...the salt and vinegar potato chip of emotions.

Knackered

I just finished A Spot of Bother, by Mark Haddon, and I enjoyed it. I should put a caveat on my enjoyment by pointing out that, although told with heart and wit, this is not a happy story. But then again, few of us live ideal lives, so this snapshot of a family, teetering on the brink of collapsing in on themselves, felt real to me.

Part of what I enjoyed about this and Haddon's previous novel (which I liked even more than this one, and recommend very highly) is it is unabashedly British. I am not exactly sure what "knackered" means, but in context it made sense to me, and added to the context of the story. Made the whole novel a little more gray, a little foggier. Brilliant!

Grills

I am a man of many titles: husband, attorney, barbecue sauce spokesperson. But now, thanks to my new see-through grills, I can add one more: pimp. That's right, pimp. My motions in limine are straight gangsta, yo!

So far, so good. I am into my second tray, and the first few days of each tray are tight, rather than painful (so far). After a few days, they are easier to get in and out of my mouth, a maneuver that still finds me hiding in the bathroom stall, for fear of people seeing me dig in my mouth and the inevitable drool. So sexy.

The main goal is straight teeth without conventional braces. However, the unintentional, and unforeseen secondary goal may be weight loss. I have to keep them in for 20 hours a day; while in, I cannot eat, and I can only drink cool, clear liquids. So, this means snacking is now more trouble than it is worth, and drinking is limited to water and vodka. I could be imagining this, but going into week 2, I noticed that my pants feel a lot looser. Suddenly, the 24 month program doesn't seem like such a bad thing, and I might ask to go a little longer.

But next time I want platinum and diamonds. Because that's just how I roll.